LONDON—Speaking to the bereaved in the hours after the monarch’s passing, Her Queen’s Counsel Frederick Dingnam reportedly informed the royal family Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had left the throne to an overall-wearing Alabama cousin. “Her Majesty was quite clear that she wanted the crown to go to her distant cousin in Alabama, whose name is, I believe, Cooter,” said Dingnam, addressing an entirely silent Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla as he described the Clanton, AL-based pig farmer’s love for tub-brewed hooch and moon pies from Publix supermarket. “Of course, I hope you will make our new regent comfortable. Prince Harry, perhaps you would be amenable to a squirrel-hunting trip with King Cooter? Good. Now, he knows little of British culture or our ways, but I’ve been told he is not shy of book-learning at all and cleans up real nice.” The lawyer went on to inform the openly weeping Duchess of Cambridge that Cooter I and his pet pig Corkie would be escorted to Buckingham Palace within the fortnight.